THE ONE WITH THE REALISATION
Today I think I've been hit with so many realisations at once I've turned so freakin numb (aside from the bloatedness and excruciating cramps that stems from a certain monthly visit from a certain friend of mine). Reading my last entry, I've come to the realisation that writing things down doesn't always make them all the more easier to comprehend or make them easier for me to get over and work on for that matter.
I'm still very much unable to detach myself from situations. Sure I get all pissed bout things when they turn out the way I don't want them to, but all it takes is a lil glimmer that things might change and I'm a sucker for it. I go back to thinking that I shouldn't even worry to begin with. That it's actually ok to feel what I'm feelin and that I was just being paranoid. I can't help but be really stupid. I upset myself for absolutely no reason, when I can avoid it altogether by keeping to myself. I really should learn to not depend on ppl/things/situations too much. I'm ruining no one but myself.
Time is moving way faster than it really should. You can really feel it pass you by. It's already past mid April, then comes May then June. All I can say is WOW! I'm having mixed feelings. What realisation did I get from that? That I should really start bein serious bout things. Get a move on and be prepared. Time isn't gonna wait for me and neither will anyone else. I guess I realised that a long time ago, it just hasn't really sunk it.
Aside from all that, I feel second best most of the time. I got this from somewhere, I think some friend on the net let me read it from some stand up. Something bout how in the Olympics the person with the silver medal must feel really rotten. When you get the gold you'd feel real great bout it, I mean heck who wouldn't? You're the freakin champion. And the bronze? Well at least you won something right? You came all the way and you have something to show from it. You're one of the lucky 3 to get a freakin medal!! You can show it off to those in the 4th, 5th whatever other position after you. But silver? Oh yeah you could've gotten the gold but you were .3 secs behind. You're gettin something for bein close to a loser. There you go, here's a silver to make up for the gold that you could've gotten. Hope you feel better. That's the state I feel like I'm in right now. I'm the option that the people go to when the best thing is gone or not around. I'm the spare, the cushion, the object that is used for some to fall back on. In all honesty, sometimes it does more than hurt. Which actually brings us back to paragraph 2.
At the end of this post I realise that I've been using I too much. Which just portrays to the world how selfish I am for using I so much. Oh look here I go again. Shall stop now... me hafta go ponder things and try and feel better. Me shall also start to get a move on. Me signing off.
THE ONE WITH THE LIST/S
The wishlist is well, redundant now. There's still the things to do list, the must have list, the packing list and a lot more lists to come. Oh yeah not to mention the list of peopl I hafta, wanna, gotta meet but haven't. Sigh~ so little time so much to do... so little cash too =p
This post was suppose to say something, something I think is gonna be real important... well at least I think so. Oh well... it's not here now though... blame the 2 sec train that took away my memory. That didn't make much sense either, ignore it if u hafta. I'm blogging for the sake of blogging and for a lack of a better thing to do. How very convinient.
I'm feeling a little... lost, or maybe that's just me feeling a little empty (not in the food sense... we'll leave gastronomical talk to a later post ok? ok) It gets to me when I grow dependant ... well not really, just somehow attached to someone or something. It's hard to detach myself after... It's hard to not feel anything if something comes up or if something happens. I don't like feeling useless, I don't like feeling like a wimp. I don't like bein dependant on people even if it's for simple conversations that somehow makes a difference to me. (Once again I really shouldn't start a sentence with but..) But I'm only human. There's only so much I can try and control, there's only so much I can ignore.
If I go on with this post I'll go on and blab. Here's something I can control. I shall curb this before it goes on and takes over in epic proportions. -END-
THE ONE WITH MY BIRTHDAY
Yes it is!!! It's my birthday!! I'm really thankful to everyone for all the well wishes. I'm really touched that you guys remember it. Honest.. I am. I've been getting msgs since the clock struck midnite and suddenly I feel so loved :P
On the downside tho, I'm stuck home with bad cough, runny nose and a slight fever.. what a way to celebrate eh? It's ok though... I'll live.. it's just another day. But what I miss is having a real cake, with my friends around and basically just having fun and catchin up. When I say a real cake.. I mean those with frostings, creamy frostings with cool designs and one that actually has my name instead of those ready made ones with the lil happy birthday things stuck into it. You know the kind that's like a candle and u stick it on top? Get the picture? Yeah well not those. I miss that (the real cake with nice creamy frostings :S)... Meh actually I want that. But whatever eh... my birthday's over in a coupla hours... I'm leavin soon enough.. so yeah.. maybe .... maybe not
Anyways I need my panadol and some shut eye.. Prolly update again later.. for now that's it and once again THANK U ALL SO VERY MUCH!!
THE ONE WITH THE SLAP IN THE FACE
Let me begin this entry with the announcement that the big wait that I was talkin about in the previous post is over.. I repeat... OVER!! Like I've said before, sometimes when you wait things will eventually turn out your way. In my case, I suppose it did. There's just a few more little hurdles to clear but I am all set, hopefully, like I said there're a coupla lil hurdles left. No more agonising wait to see where I will land my sorry a** (and yes I censored myself =p). More about this at a later date.
On a slightly lower note, I didn't realise how my insecurities actually affect the people around me. Especially those people I consider my comfort zone. I know I avoid meeting up with some because of how insecure I feel around them. Even if I do enjoy their company. Thing is this, I feel insecure with most if not all of them. That just brings me to cancel outings or give lame a** (yet again) excuses about not bein able to meet up. I've used them on almost all of you, in fact all of you in my comfort zone. You should know who you are. If I do go out with you eventually, even if it's more than the others it's not because I feel superior next to you. I SWEAR! I'm really sorry to have put the impression on you, that the only reason why I choose to go out with you is because you make me feel better bout myself. The truth is this: I choose to still go out with you guys- a whole lot at that, even when I'm feeling very very insecure, because you guys make it comfy enough for me to ignore for a moment- albeit a short moment- my insecurities. You make hanging out fun for me, you relate to me somehow and I just feel really good talkin bout things with you when we do meet up. I have absolutely no idea that my choosing to go out with you as compared to someone else might upset anyone of you. For that I sincerely apologise. Blogging this isn't really a good idea, it's pretty hard to explain. Hopefully we can all meet up soon enough and I can explain myself- in person. Once again, I apologise. Honest.
Now that that's sorta settled, well not really but you know, it's finally APRIL. Which means I'm turnin a yr older real soon :S ahh well.. previous post has clues :P I'm not gonna give anymore. It doesn't matter. Oh and my mom's gonna be hospitalised for surgery on the 5th (wednesday). Do pray for her, that she'll get well soon. Doesn't matter if you can't see her or me (for my birthday and to give me lotsa prezzies =p), as long as you keep her in your thoughts and wish her the very best of health. I'd really appreciate it. Guess there'll be no gathering or party for me this yr. Sorry. Not like my gatherings are fun to begin with =p.
Anyway I gotta go, I hafta clear stuff and all. Well have a good week... blog soon.