THE ONE WITH THE IMPENDING DOOM
As the dreaded day looms nearer (read: results) I get more and more uneasy. I think that's standard procedure for anyone who's goin thru it. Anyways, for the past coupla weeks I have been finding it hard to freakin sleep. I can tuck myself in at 11 and still toss and turn at 1am. Sometimes I finally fall asleep at 3 or 4 am and I'm up and awake by 6am with no way of gettin back to bed. I have real dark circles under my eyes, I am a total wreck and more than 2 persons have called me PARANOID.
It gets real bad sometimes and I.... I shall stop right here. People are gonna think I have a serious problem if I go on. All I'm makin myself think right now is, it's just the wait that's aggravating. Coz at the end of the day, when I do get my results and even if it's as bad or worse than expected, I know I'm gonna get over it somehow and plan what I'm gonna do. It's just that right now, I suddenly feel like there's so many things crushing down on me. I hate that... I'm not comfy in my own skin, I get self conscious half the time, I push people away and this comin March is granny's 1 yr death anniversary and I still haven't gotten over the fact that she is no more.
I visit her grave but I just can't bring to mind that's really her right there. I am trying to give myself time to let it sink in but it's taking too long. One yr down and I'm still walkin into her house thinkin I can see her lyin on her bed... All coz i didnt see her before she went. I chose, on that very night, to go home and let her sleep thinkin I can see her the next day. To say the next day didn't come would be lyin, coz it did, what didn't come was the opportunity to kiss her before I left. It eats me up till today that just for that one day that I chose to not give her a kiss and see her again before I left for home, she chose to go. It's like on re-play in my head.
Aside from that, I haven't felt really free after the exams coz my mom wasn't too well. The month or so following the exams was all a blur and a rush as everyone in the family shuttled between the hospital, home and other responsibilities we had. Even though she's back home right now, I still find it a lil weird to go out don't ask why. Like I said I could be paranoid. Plus, everything I do, I somehow feel like I have to either go through her or around her and both ways take time and tact. So sometimes I just don't bother altogether. Stayin home is the best choice somehow.
So, I am thankful for last Friday's day out with Eka. I had fun, the company was awesome, I know that somehow I'm not alone in the way I feel bout certain things and I didn't regret not cancelling out on her. I intended to initially because I really didn't want the outside world to see me. I just didnt wanna see anyone. So Eka aka my ROOMIE, THANK YOU FOR THE DAY OUT AND HOPEFULLY WE HAVE ONE MORE SOON BEFORE THE DREADED DAY OK?
I hope I didn't bore ya or anything. I jus needed to pen, no wait, type things down to clear my head a little.... More updates next time...