Monday, March 22, 2004
THE ONE WITH THE "LAST SUPPER"
Present: Andrew, Bernadine, Jezsica, Junaini, Luqman, Taufiq and Shaheera
Venue: Paya Lebar
Verdict: He He.. I was pretty much upset the start of the day and throughout it until Lit lesson in the library when a ray of light shone.. yes Bern came after orientation from her new school. We went to have dinner i think over at paya lebar... It was really fun!! It was like the last time we have bern to ourselves before she starts a new chapter.
I know i may sound real selfish for not wanting to let go.. but I realise now she needs her space and as unwilling as I am about not wanting her to leave, no matter how it breaks my heart.. I'm gonna say Go my friend and spread your wings, as lame as that might sound. I wish you all the best and if there's anything I can do for you to help you out do let me know. I'm gonna miss so so bad. Do take care of yourself. Hope to see you as often as possible then maybe you can help me with you know who.
Ain't gonna write no more coz my eyes are brimming.. it'll take a while to get over this. Luv ya lots Bern, I may not be that close to you but to me you're the next best thing to a very best friend.
AS WE GO ON WE'LL REMEMBER ALL THE TIMES WE'VE SHARED TOGETHER, AND AS OUR LIVES CHANGE COME WHATEVER WE WILL STILL BE FRIENDS FOREVER-FRIENDS FORVER(i think that's the title)~~Vitamin C
5:44 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
First things first, I can't be bothred to put any dolphin pic for this entry simply because... period... no specific reason. I'm , since forever, frustrated bout the way I look.. No question why, you've seen me, I'm gargantuan. Well anyway, yeah. I'm thankful I'm not handicapped in any way but I'm just, well everytime I think bout how huge I am I can't help but think that I'm gonna stay this way forever no matter what I try. It's not a matter of me being scared of staying this way. Fear is not the issue. It's just that the idea of me remaining the same and not changing through no matter how many years just gets it to me. It got me thinking how horrid it would be when ppl all starts changing and having their lives revolving in many great ways and I remain as I am. Again it's not fear, it's more of not changing. It doesn't scare me, it embarrasses and frustrates me.
Not that I'm expecting sympathy, but I've been crying alot these days and alot of things are going on in my mind. Not all of them have properly sank in yet but I'm still feeling really bad bout alot and sometimes when I cry, I don;t even know what the main cause is. Seems like everything just adds up and I feel utterly useless and stupid for even feeling that way. Little things move me and I constantly get into various moods all at one go and mind you it's not the time of the month. I've been feeling like this for quite some time only I dont really bother. But somehow it gets to me.
I don't think he is the main cause of all this. However, I'm not saying that he plays not part in this at all. Somehow I feel that there's just something left for me to do or say or that there has to be some exchange between us and then, only then can I move on and get over him. I don't even know why I feel this way. The fact that I'm almost 18 and never in my life have I ever had a bf doesn't really bother me, coz I know i'm surviving and that kinda thing just doesn't bother me, but sometimes I do feel it. Especially when ppl around me start talking bout their "significant" other. I just feel at a lost. I feel vulnerable because I feel that I can be a subject of ridicule to them for not having any experience in this area. No doubt I'm an aries, I do get very insecure more than half the time.
I guess right now I'm close to feeling depressed, maybe I'm already there. I dunno but I just feel so so bad. I need someone to talk to and I know the only I'm gonna get is "relax girl, this will pass". Damnit I know it will pass, everyone knows that. You don't have to say that and make it sound like I'm makin a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, it will pass, I'm not some deranged love deprived teen who thinks that the world is crumbling around me and that I'll die just coz through my entire existence I've been single. Instead I need someone to tread or run across or whatever it is, just to cross this "hurdle" , this part of my life that seems to disturb me, with me. Just that. Someone to tell me that I'm doing well handling it, and that I'm doing the right thing, or should be doing the right thing.
Goodness.... is that so hard? I guess it is. Coz as of now I still feel the same. Maybe I do sound like the love deprived teen i mentioned. But honestly from the bottom of my heart, I'm not like that. It's just that, it's about time I start thinking about things like these, as insignificant as it might sound to you. I've been putting some thoughts on hold for a very very long time.
Right now I guess you can say that I'm emotionally exhausted. I've cried till I can't cry no more. I need a break and some rest. Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate it.
8:56 AM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
THE ONE WITH THE QUIZ RESULTS
For starters... I'm so into Westlife's new song "Obvious".... It so connects with me man.... haha well if u're not into boyband i don't give a flyin fark because ppl have different tastes so don't go tellin me boybands suck and they only do covers.. so wat if they do.. they're still out there earning lotsa buckeroos for something they enjoy doin... anyhoo... I decided to try out the quiz I got from Fuzz's site... and yes Fuzz it's amazing how true some of it are...
Ki System
Natal Year number: 5
Although Shaheera at heart suffers from a sense of insecurity, she nevertheless portrays a confident yet sympathetic exterior to the outside world that enables her to get along well with other people. Indeed even though she is not really a team player, she is likely to reach a position of authority because she enjoys the strength of independent thought upon which others can rely.
Natal Month number: 9
Although Shaheera may be relied upon to start her allotted tasks, she cannot always be relied upon to complete them. This is not because Shaheera is lazy, but because her active brain has alighted upon something else that she wishes to pursue. Nevertheless she has leadership potential and the ability to inspire others with her charm and humour.
Natal House number: 1
With a positive approach to life, Shaheera has the ability to work on her own - a quality that will enable her to develop her creative skills. Coupled with her desire to travel and the ability to listen to what others have to say, Shaheera might best be employed as a travel writer or journalist. ( I lurve this bit best .... coz it's really wat i wanna do)
Comments based on Western Grid
11
Shaheera is a balanced individual who can understand and appreciate the views of others as well as her own. She can express herself fluently, and with persuasive conviction, whilst taking account of opposing views. This means that Shaheera will get on very well with colleagues at work, both senior and junior, as well as clients, customers, suppliers and external agencies.
4
A practical individual, Shaheera is a neat and tidy craftsman who can organise others to achieve her plans. She should use those practical skills and organisational ability in an office management, or secretarial function, or by applying such skills to self-employment. In general, Shaheera is a neat and tidy individual(ahakz.. take a good look at my room right now, this statement is kinda u know ironic) - qualities of value to many different jobs.
6
Creative yet somewhat insecure, Shaheera is a family-orientated person who enjoys domestic responsibilities. She could well be employed in the hospitality industry - perhaps running a hotel, or B & B venture. In an office environment Shaheera will be valuable as the individual to whom others will turn for moral support. But home for Shaheera is where the heart is, and domestic responsibilities will always be important.(esp wen it comes to my niece and nephew)
8
Good with details and with a methodical approach, Shaheera nevertheless is someone who enjoys constant new challenges to maintain her interest. She is a methodical individual with attention to detail, but is inclined to leave tasks unfinished if her active mind alights on something of greater interest. Routine tasks that fail to challenge her intellect are at greatest risk, so Shaheera needs a job that offers variety.
9
Ambitious to improve her lot, Shaheera will constantly push forward to achieve something in her life, yet this ambition will be balanced by humanitarian ideals that will lead her to support causes that may demand self-sacrifice.
[The Arrow of Scepticism: lacking the numbers 3, 5 and 7] Taking little on trust, in adult life Shaheera requires solid proof before she accepts a concept. Characterised by honesty and fairness, she is quite intuitive, yet firmly sceptical of the claims made, for example, by religion. This may be important at work, if employers require employee acceptance of work practices that are not immediately verifiable.
Comments based on Chinese Grid
1
Shaheera will make some money and enjoy a reasonable standard of living. ( can't say bout that.. it's all up to god)
2
Shaheera has an average mind, and without the numbers 4 and 9 in the Chinese version will not enjoy a creative existence.
3
Unless Shaheera also has in the Chinese version either the numbers 5 and 7, or the numbers 4 and 8, she will be hypersensitive and prone to stress-related problems.
6
Shaheera is family-orientated, and needs a pleasant working environment as well as a comfortable home.
8
In the absence (in the Chinese version) of the numbers 1 and 6, she will be good with money and details. She will be happier if the Chinese grid includes the numbers 5 and 7.
9
Although Shaheera is ambitious, her ambition is tempered with humanitarian ideals.
[The Arrow of Prosperity: The numbers 1, 6 and 8] Shaheera is suited to the commercial world because she is determined to make money - if necessary at the expense of all else. Without the numbers 3, 5 and 7 (in the Chinese version) Shaheera will be a cold and calculating individual who will achieve her aims with total disregard for the feelings of others.
There that's it.. hope that was no info overload... tatz
You don't ever notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are ~~"Obvious"- Westlife~~
6:27 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2004
THE ONE WHERE SHE CAN'T JUMP HURDLES FOR NUTS...
Yes it's official.. I can't jump hurdles for nuts... i think I got Mr Amir a bit angry coz of that. I merely cross them hahah... Anyway some issues I have to address.
First things first, to kak Azlin if you're reading this, I just wanna clear the air.... I don't wanna start another blog war, since this (tiny) issue is already on yours and Kak Inda's blog. I DO BELIEVE YOU. Like I told you on the phone, I did casually mention it to you when I met you after the incident. Maybe you forgot. I guess there's a mis-com between u and kak Inda. I wasn't happy coz you made us come down and then you weren't there. ONce again, I remember I already told you this. So there, don't assume that I assume things. You should know me well enough to know that. Now that's clear I hope u get what I mean. I think you know me long enuff as it is to know how I really am. I don't really get mad for no reason and besides whatever happened was last yr. So yeah simple mis-com. k?
Now that that's cleared, yes i'm in a pissy mood coz I think I suck in sch. I didn't do very well at all for the common test. I'm hoping that this is gonna be a type of encouragement for me to work harder for the future. Anyway that just turned out wrong. I sounded so: LAME!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed to be picked for the Pre- U sem.. hoping only.. don't know bout the turnout yet.
It's Fara's 18th birthday today. I sms-ed her yesterday and I haven't got any reply at all. I guess she's busy or something, coz this is her last yr in a jc there. I'm just gonna wish her all the best since i'm guessing she won't be reading this, don't even know if she knows about this blog of mine. Miss her... miss tara too.. and nova.. this list is gonna add on if or when bern leaves. Darn.. i'll be so depressed.
So yeah, like any (good) essay, I shall conclude today's entry. Today I realised, like a slap in the face, that I'm no hurdle jumper. I'm also gonna say that I hope that the said mis-com issue mentioned above will be cleared. Coz kak Lin and Inda are both very nice people and I don't want a tiny thing like that to mess things up between me and them. Also HAPPY 18th B'Day to FARA... oh and yes, pre-u sem.. im prayin i get it. Hopefully... that is.
Ok.. bad conclusion. ANyhoo... gotta go shower... haha I stink after today's PE!! : X
oh and for those of you wanna know bout my school i think we have a webbie now.. go check it out.. not sure bout the add.
WHEN THE TIME COMES JUST PLACE YOUR BETS, COZ IT'S FOR SURE HE'LL NEVER BE, IN ANY CORNER OF MY MEMORY
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